I reached another crossroad in my life. Multiple outcomes can result from my decision, but everything will, as always, be part of God's bigger story of my life.
Scenario 1: I get a job, I stay in the US.
Scenario 2: I get a job, I choose to leave the US.
Scenario 3: I don't get a job, I have to leave the US.
It takes a lot of effort to discern what God is calling me to do, and even more to actually do it. I don't want to waste my 2017, just like how I don't want any of the years in my life to pass without leaving behind something significant. In 2017, I want to pursue an intimate relationship with God. I want to experience how life can be so much more liberating and joyful when I surrender and seek guidance from Him who provides and has everything in control.
If scenario 1 happens, I want to be discipled. I want to grow in my pro-activeness in serving and loving the people around me. If I see needs in the lives around me, I pray that God will give me a compassionate heart to reach out and meet those needs.
If scenario 2 happens, I want to be bold in my steps. I want to experience how boldness and trust in His unfailing provisions can lead to a life of success determined by the fruits that this tree in my life can bear. Lord, please help me to trust that your faithfulness in the past can only be more in the future.
If scenario 3 happens, it's probably because of my lack of pro-activeness and boldness to achieve scenario 2. This will mean I need a lot more prayers and wisdom because it's no longer my actions that determine the outcomes, but I am giving reactions to outcomes that I cannot control.
I pray that 2017 will be a year of growth in my faith and my relationship with God, and a year of bold steps because God is in control.
Saturday 7 January 2017
Thursday 28 May 2015
Dear Christopher
Dear Christopher,
I just finished a meetup where I was really blessed, and I walked out of the restaurant to bump into you. I did not know you, but you told me a story that I chose to buy. I chose to believe you. And I chose to buy you a meal that you said you needed.
You walked me to a restaurant. On the way, you told me your children needed meals too. I chose to believe you, still. At the restaurant, you placed a lot of orders. More orders than you indicated earlier. And you chose to buy four bottles of juice. Those expensive, nutritious juices that I don't even buy normally. My heart was painful as I paid for your meals.
I want you to know, that there is this conference that I really want to attend, but I am hesitant because of the registration fee.
I want you to know, that I want to terminate my internet because the monthly fee is too expensive for me to pay.
I want you to know, that as much as I'm reluctant to, I've been avoiding eating out for the past two weeks to save money. I've been extremely intentional and purposeful in my meetups because most of the time, I have to spend money. I've been trying to sell my stuff, even though I don't want to part with them.
I want you to know, that your one meal cost more than any of the things listed above.
Yet, I chose to give. I caught a tiny little glimpse of the sacrifices that Jesus made on the cross. I felt a tiny little bit of His pain, of doing the things that He did that He didn't need to, of being put on the cross even when He has no sin. He chose to obey. I chose to give. I hope you felt the love too.
Thank you for reminding me of Jesus. I hope you're blessed.
I just finished a meetup where I was really blessed, and I walked out of the restaurant to bump into you. I did not know you, but you told me a story that I chose to buy. I chose to believe you. And I chose to buy you a meal that you said you needed.
You walked me to a restaurant. On the way, you told me your children needed meals too. I chose to believe you, still. At the restaurant, you placed a lot of orders. More orders than you indicated earlier. And you chose to buy four bottles of juice. Those expensive, nutritious juices that I don't even buy normally. My heart was painful as I paid for your meals.
I want you to know, that there is this conference that I really want to attend, but I am hesitant because of the registration fee.
I want you to know, that I want to terminate my internet because the monthly fee is too expensive for me to pay.
I want you to know, that as much as I'm reluctant to, I've been avoiding eating out for the past two weeks to save money. I've been extremely intentional and purposeful in my meetups because most of the time, I have to spend money. I've been trying to sell my stuff, even though I don't want to part with them.
I want you to know, that your one meal cost more than any of the things listed above.
Yet, I chose to give. I caught a tiny little glimpse of the sacrifices that Jesus made on the cross. I felt a tiny little bit of His pain, of doing the things that He did that He didn't need to, of being put on the cross even when He has no sin. He chose to obey. I chose to give. I hope you felt the love too.
Thank you for reminding me of Jesus. I hope you're blessed.
Thursday 22 May 2014
Reverse Culture Shock
It has been a while since I last wrote something that actually went through my head carefully. Not the kind of post on Facebook that just popped in and out of my mind like a passing wind.
It has been 2 years. I couldn't clearly remember the reason I decided to come home this time. Is it just because I wanted to surprise my parents? If so, I think I've done a great job. They're pretty shocked.
As for me, I received a shock too. Something people called "reverse culture shock".
I couldn't get used to the Malaysian-accent-filled English. I didn't realized how strong our accent and slang are. Have I been Americanized in such a short time? I refuse to believe that. Yet I can't deny the fact that I laughed at their accent when I heard some people speaking English at my hometown. Wasn't I one of them two years ago? Even the mandarin here sounds a bit weird. I guess I spent too much time with Chinese from mainland China.
I couldn't get used to the weather here. Taking four showers a day doesn't seem to make things better. My body is always sticky; uncomfortable. Temperatures are high, humidity likewise. Missing the weather in Ann Arbor; cold, but at least I don't sweat and get sticky. Besides, I could always wear a few extra layers of clothes.
I couldn't get used to my home church. To think that I've spent almost my entire life growing up under the influence of this church, I feel really bad for being judgmental now. People stand when they're asked to, raise their hands when they're asked to, read out loud when they're asked to. At HMCC Ann Arbor we're taught not to be legalistic, to worship freely, and to pray fervently. I couldn't do it here at my home church. Yes I'm taught to be secure in Christ, to be shameless for Him; but I'm pretty sure people will turn all their attention to me if I stand up or say amen when the pastor is preaching. Prayer gathering seems so rushed, and worship seems to focus so much on the voice performance. I have to keep reminding myself: languages and styles might be different, but I worship the same God there and here. Please forgive my judgments. It takes time to adapt.
I couldn't get used to the prices of things here. Certain things are so cheap compared to those in the US, while others are ridiculously expensive. Food seems so cheap when I convert the price to US currency. So I ended up eating a lot and paying a lot without feeling guilty. When I saw the prices of houses and cars though, I was shocked. It wasn't this expensive the last I remembered. Cars in the US are so cheap. And they're good. I couldn't find a single Mazda 6 in my hometown, but I see it everywhere in Ann Arbor. I'm forced to accept the fact that the living standard in Malaysia is not as high as that in the States.
I couldn't get used to the way people drive here. It seems like the lines on the road are there for nothing. Cars can cross three lanes at once as long as there's no accident. No one stops at the "stop" sign. Yellow on the traffic light is a sign to speed up.
I couldn't get used to a lot of miscellaneous things here. The internet, for example, is a lot slower than that in the US. Here, people download; streaming online isn't as common. Here, people drink tea; drinking coffee isn't as common. Here, people hang out at kopitiams; Starbucks? No Starbucks at my hometown. Here, people spend their free time at shopping malls. Three out of the ten largest shopping malls in the world are found in Malaysia. And I heard another mall bigger than the largest one now is under construction. In the US, shopping malls are only found in big cities. And they are just shopping malls, not mega malls.
The only things I don't need time to get accustomed to are my family and the food. The rest of the things make me feel like I no longer belong here. It definitely leads to some confusion and internal struggles. What is my calling? Should I stay in the US or not? If yes, how long should I stay? If no, where should I go? Questions after questions swarm my mind, and I couldn't find any answer to them. One thing I'm sure of, is that if God has led me thus far, He will surely lead me on. As to where, what, when, who and how, that's up to Him. He calls, I follow. May I truly learn how to be a follower of Christ - to stand firm on my faith and stay true to my heart.
Whatever circumstances that come my way, You are greater.
I couldn't get used to the way people drive here. It seems like the lines on the road are there for nothing. Cars can cross three lanes at once as long as there's no accident. No one stops at the "stop" sign. Yellow on the traffic light is a sign to speed up.
I couldn't get used to a lot of miscellaneous things here. The internet, for example, is a lot slower than that in the US. Here, people download; streaming online isn't as common. Here, people drink tea; drinking coffee isn't as common. Here, people hang out at kopitiams; Starbucks? No Starbucks at my hometown. Here, people spend their free time at shopping malls. Three out of the ten largest shopping malls in the world are found in Malaysia. And I heard another mall bigger than the largest one now is under construction. In the US, shopping malls are only found in big cities. And they are just shopping malls, not mega malls.
The only things I don't need time to get accustomed to are my family and the food. The rest of the things make me feel like I no longer belong here. It definitely leads to some confusion and internal struggles. What is my calling? Should I stay in the US or not? If yes, how long should I stay? If no, where should I go? Questions after questions swarm my mind, and I couldn't find any answer to them. One thing I'm sure of, is that if God has led me thus far, He will surely lead me on. As to where, what, when, who and how, that's up to Him. He calls, I follow. May I truly learn how to be a follower of Christ - to stand firm on my faith and stay true to my heart.
Whatever circumstances that come my way, You are greater.
Saturday 1 March 2014
GA Retreat 2014 - Unstoppable
Coming into this retreat feeling exhausted; spiritually, physically, mentally, and psychologically. Not really sure how God is going to work, but looking back at my life, I'm amazed at how far I've come, and if it's not because of His grace, I wouldn't be here. There're so many questions in my head still, and I'm not sure if God is going to answer them. Saying "God is good" is easy. Believing and living that out is hard. Acting spiritually healthy is easy. Being spiritually well is hard. Saying "God, I surrender" is easy. To surrender totally is hard. At this point, I'm lost in my own world and my self-generated problems. But I've no other options, so I choose to trust. Trust in God's will; trust in His plan. Trust in His goodness, embrace His majesty. God, may You work, and may You be Unstoppable.
Thursday 20 February 2014
Thursday 6 February 2014
Trust God, Get Going
2014 started off with the wrong rhythm. First, I messed up a friendship that I treasured a lot. Until a point when that person asked me, "What is wrong with you?"
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
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