I reached another crossroad in my life. Multiple outcomes can result from my decision, but everything will, as always, be part of God's bigger story of my life.
Scenario 1: I get a job, I stay in the US.
Scenario 2: I get a job, I choose to leave the US.
Scenario 3: I don't get a job, I have to leave the US.
It takes a lot of effort to discern what God is calling me to do, and even more to actually do it. I don't want to waste my 2017, just like how I don't want any of the years in my life to pass without leaving behind something significant. In 2017, I want to pursue an intimate relationship with God. I want to experience how life can be so much more liberating and joyful when I surrender and seek guidance from Him who provides and has everything in control.
If scenario 1 happens, I want to be discipled. I want to grow in my pro-activeness in serving and loving the people around me. If I see needs in the lives around me, I pray that God will give me a compassionate heart to reach out and meet those needs.
If scenario 2 happens, I want to be bold in my steps. I want to experience how boldness and trust in His unfailing provisions can lead to a life of success determined by the fruits that this tree in my life can bear. Lord, please help me to trust that your faithfulness in the past can only be more in the future.
If scenario 3 happens, it's probably because of my lack of pro-activeness and boldness to achieve scenario 2. This will mean I need a lot more prayers and wisdom because it's no longer my actions that determine the outcomes, but I am giving reactions to outcomes that I cannot control.
I pray that 2017 will be a year of growth in my faith and my relationship with God, and a year of bold steps because God is in control.
Saturday, 7 January 2017
Thursday, 28 May 2015
Dear Christopher
Dear Christopher,
I just finished a meetup where I was really blessed, and I walked out of the restaurant to bump into you. I did not know you, but you told me a story that I chose to buy. I chose to believe you. And I chose to buy you a meal that you said you needed.
You walked me to a restaurant. On the way, you told me your children needed meals too. I chose to believe you, still. At the restaurant, you placed a lot of orders. More orders than you indicated earlier. And you chose to buy four bottles of juice. Those expensive, nutritious juices that I don't even buy normally. My heart was painful as I paid for your meals.
I want you to know, that there is this conference that I really want to attend, but I am hesitant because of the registration fee.
I want you to know, that I want to terminate my internet because the monthly fee is too expensive for me to pay.
I want you to know, that as much as I'm reluctant to, I've been avoiding eating out for the past two weeks to save money. I've been extremely intentional and purposeful in my meetups because most of the time, I have to spend money. I've been trying to sell my stuff, even though I don't want to part with them.
I want you to know, that your one meal cost more than any of the things listed above.
Yet, I chose to give. I caught a tiny little glimpse of the sacrifices that Jesus made on the cross. I felt a tiny little bit of His pain, of doing the things that He did that He didn't need to, of being put on the cross even when He has no sin. He chose to obey. I chose to give. I hope you felt the love too.
Thank you for reminding me of Jesus. I hope you're blessed.
I just finished a meetup where I was really blessed, and I walked out of the restaurant to bump into you. I did not know you, but you told me a story that I chose to buy. I chose to believe you. And I chose to buy you a meal that you said you needed.
You walked me to a restaurant. On the way, you told me your children needed meals too. I chose to believe you, still. At the restaurant, you placed a lot of orders. More orders than you indicated earlier. And you chose to buy four bottles of juice. Those expensive, nutritious juices that I don't even buy normally. My heart was painful as I paid for your meals.
I want you to know, that there is this conference that I really want to attend, but I am hesitant because of the registration fee.
I want you to know, that I want to terminate my internet because the monthly fee is too expensive for me to pay.
I want you to know, that as much as I'm reluctant to, I've been avoiding eating out for the past two weeks to save money. I've been extremely intentional and purposeful in my meetups because most of the time, I have to spend money. I've been trying to sell my stuff, even though I don't want to part with them.
I want you to know, that your one meal cost more than any of the things listed above.
Yet, I chose to give. I caught a tiny little glimpse of the sacrifices that Jesus made on the cross. I felt a tiny little bit of His pain, of doing the things that He did that He didn't need to, of being put on the cross even when He has no sin. He chose to obey. I chose to give. I hope you felt the love too.
Thank you for reminding me of Jesus. I hope you're blessed.
Thursday, 22 May 2014
Reverse Culture Shock
It has been a while since I last wrote something that actually went through my head carefully. Not the kind of post on Facebook that just popped in and out of my mind like a passing wind.
It has been 2 years. I couldn't clearly remember the reason I decided to come home this time. Is it just because I wanted to surprise my parents? If so, I think I've done a great job. They're pretty shocked.
As for me, I received a shock too. Something people called "reverse culture shock".
I couldn't get used to the Malaysian-accent-filled English. I didn't realized how strong our accent and slang are. Have I been Americanized in such a short time? I refuse to believe that. Yet I can't deny the fact that I laughed at their accent when I heard some people speaking English at my hometown. Wasn't I one of them two years ago? Even the mandarin here sounds a bit weird. I guess I spent too much time with Chinese from mainland China.
I couldn't get used to the weather here. Taking four showers a day doesn't seem to make things better. My body is always sticky; uncomfortable. Temperatures are high, humidity likewise. Missing the weather in Ann Arbor; cold, but at least I don't sweat and get sticky. Besides, I could always wear a few extra layers of clothes.
I couldn't get used to my home church. To think that I've spent almost my entire life growing up under the influence of this church, I feel really bad for being judgmental now. People stand when they're asked to, raise their hands when they're asked to, read out loud when they're asked to. At HMCC Ann Arbor we're taught not to be legalistic, to worship freely, and to pray fervently. I couldn't do it here at my home church. Yes I'm taught to be secure in Christ, to be shameless for Him; but I'm pretty sure people will turn all their attention to me if I stand up or say amen when the pastor is preaching. Prayer gathering seems so rushed, and worship seems to focus so much on the voice performance. I have to keep reminding myself: languages and styles might be different, but I worship the same God there and here. Please forgive my judgments. It takes time to adapt.
I couldn't get used to the prices of things here. Certain things are so cheap compared to those in the US, while others are ridiculously expensive. Food seems so cheap when I convert the price to US currency. So I ended up eating a lot and paying a lot without feeling guilty. When I saw the prices of houses and cars though, I was shocked. It wasn't this expensive the last I remembered. Cars in the US are so cheap. And they're good. I couldn't find a single Mazda 6 in my hometown, but I see it everywhere in Ann Arbor. I'm forced to accept the fact that the living standard in Malaysia is not as high as that in the States.
I couldn't get used to the way people drive here. It seems like the lines on the road are there for nothing. Cars can cross three lanes at once as long as there's no accident. No one stops at the "stop" sign. Yellow on the traffic light is a sign to speed up.
I couldn't get used to a lot of miscellaneous things here. The internet, for example, is a lot slower than that in the US. Here, people download; streaming online isn't as common. Here, people drink tea; drinking coffee isn't as common. Here, people hang out at kopitiams; Starbucks? No Starbucks at my hometown. Here, people spend their free time at shopping malls. Three out of the ten largest shopping malls in the world are found in Malaysia. And I heard another mall bigger than the largest one now is under construction. In the US, shopping malls are only found in big cities. And they are just shopping malls, not mega malls.
The only things I don't need time to get accustomed to are my family and the food. The rest of the things make me feel like I no longer belong here. It definitely leads to some confusion and internal struggles. What is my calling? Should I stay in the US or not? If yes, how long should I stay? If no, where should I go? Questions after questions swarm my mind, and I couldn't find any answer to them. One thing I'm sure of, is that if God has led me thus far, He will surely lead me on. As to where, what, when, who and how, that's up to Him. He calls, I follow. May I truly learn how to be a follower of Christ - to stand firm on my faith and stay true to my heart.
Whatever circumstances that come my way, You are greater.
I couldn't get used to the way people drive here. It seems like the lines on the road are there for nothing. Cars can cross three lanes at once as long as there's no accident. No one stops at the "stop" sign. Yellow on the traffic light is a sign to speed up.
I couldn't get used to a lot of miscellaneous things here. The internet, for example, is a lot slower than that in the US. Here, people download; streaming online isn't as common. Here, people drink tea; drinking coffee isn't as common. Here, people hang out at kopitiams; Starbucks? No Starbucks at my hometown. Here, people spend their free time at shopping malls. Three out of the ten largest shopping malls in the world are found in Malaysia. And I heard another mall bigger than the largest one now is under construction. In the US, shopping malls are only found in big cities. And they are just shopping malls, not mega malls.
The only things I don't need time to get accustomed to are my family and the food. The rest of the things make me feel like I no longer belong here. It definitely leads to some confusion and internal struggles. What is my calling? Should I stay in the US or not? If yes, how long should I stay? If no, where should I go? Questions after questions swarm my mind, and I couldn't find any answer to them. One thing I'm sure of, is that if God has led me thus far, He will surely lead me on. As to where, what, when, who and how, that's up to Him. He calls, I follow. May I truly learn how to be a follower of Christ - to stand firm on my faith and stay true to my heart.
Whatever circumstances that come my way, You are greater.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
GA Retreat 2014 - Unstoppable
Coming into this retreat feeling exhausted; spiritually, physically, mentally, and psychologically. Not really sure how God is going to work, but looking back at my life, I'm amazed at how far I've come, and if it's not because of His grace, I wouldn't be here. There're so many questions in my head still, and I'm not sure if God is going to answer them. Saying "God is good" is easy. Believing and living that out is hard. Acting spiritually healthy is easy. Being spiritually well is hard. Saying "God, I surrender" is easy. To surrender totally is hard. At this point, I'm lost in my own world and my self-generated problems. But I've no other options, so I choose to trust. Trust in God's will; trust in His plan. Trust in His goodness, embrace His majesty. God, may You work, and may You be Unstoppable.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Trust God, Get Going
2014 started off with the wrong rhythm. First, I messed up a friendship that I treasured a lot. Until a point when that person asked me, "What is wrong with you?"
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
2014 | New Year Re-Solution
I can come up with more than a dozen things to accomplish in the new year, but Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
That being said, I can plan as far ahead as I can, but if God is not willing, all my plans will be in vain.
2014. May it be a year that I can learn how to be the electrons around the protons, constantly revolving and making God the center of my life. Every decision, may it be after His will, following His way.
"...so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." ~1 Peter 4:2 (ESV)
That being said, I can plan as far ahead as I can, but if God is not willing, all my plans will be in vain.
2014. May it be a year that I can learn how to be the electrons around the protons, constantly revolving and making God the center of my life. Every decision, may it be after His will, following His way.
"...so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." ~1 Peter 4:2 (ESV)
Friday, 3 January 2014
2013 | Reflection
A year has passed. A year full of mistakes and rebukes and growth and transformation. And right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop with my spiritual brother, reflecting on the things that have taken place in 2013 and the lessons we have gained from them.
Things that I'm thankful for:
1. I'm improving in terms of academics.
- When I first came to the United States, I took things too lightly. Growing up being a smart kid, I thought I would remain outstanding throughout my life. God humbled me with my bad results during my first semester. Yet by God's grace, I somehow managed to pass all my courses no matter how bad I did in the exams. God has shown me His provision is enough for me. 2013 has been good. At least I managed my time better than before. Didn't focus that much in my study to be honest, but God has blessed me with better results. I am thankful.
2. I'm improving in terms my relationships with people.
- Relationships with my family has always been fine. Even though I don't contact my parents that much (maybe once in a week or two), we know that we love each other and we will be there for each other through thick and thin. Throughout 2013, my parents and I are able to express our love more openly. Thanks to Facebook for all the smileys, we now end our conversations mostly with <3 and :). Love language used to be rare in my house. God has been transforming my family slowly. I am thankful.
- Relationships with friends have been good. Met a lot of new people and formed a lot of friendships in the church. Community is starting to play a bigger role in my life. I used to be quite an introvert. Now I can say, I can't live without a community. University life would have been so much different without the community in HMCC. God has provided me with great brothers and friends in Christ. I am thankful.
- Relationship with God has not been growing too much to be honest. I didn't have the motivation or discipline to read His words every day. I wish I can memorize more bible verses. I wish I can know Him more and more each day. I see how faithful God has been in my life though. He has blessed me with a church that reminds me of His words every now and then, and He has given me a life group leader that constantly reminds me to read His words. I am thankful.
- Among all the relationships that are formed in 2013, I want to thank God for bringing me another relationship that is somehow complicated. A girl that is obedient to God's plan and fearful of Him. Even though it's challenging to wait for His timing and answer, God has taught me so many things through this friendship. Patience, wisdom, and obedience. Whatever His answer is, I am thankful.
3. I'm thankful to have a brother in Christ whom I can share my problems and life with.
- I became really close with Joshua. We decided to meet up once a week just to catch up with one another. I randomly asked him to be my discipler, but he just asked me to pray about it. God hasn't really answered my prayer, so right now we just meet up as an unofficial Life Change Group (LCG). It was really good to have an older brother there to listen to you and to guide you with his opinions. Even though we don't always agree on everything, at least we find joy in growing in our lives together. He taught me a lot of things and showed me different perspectives in some areas. I am thankful.
4. I'm thankful to be an international student.
- Being an international student, I travel a lot. When I look at my American friends, I feel really glad to be an international student. So far I've traveled to around 14 States out of the 50 States in the United States. God has shown me amazing landscapes, culture and people in all these places. I fell in love with traveling. The numerous road trips in 2013 have been fruitful in building bonds and relationships. I got to know so many people in a deeper level. Looking forward to the following breaks and the many awesome trips to come. I am thankful.
5. I'm thankful for the church.
- God has transformed my life through HMCC. I can't deny the fact that life in the USA is better than the life back in Malaysia. Yet if HMCC did not come into my life here, I doubt that the sentence above will stand through. God has placed so many people from HMCC in my life, and their impacts and influences are huge. I wouldn't be that fervent in serving God if they have not shown me the fruits of serving. I found a great joy in serving the Lord with the brothers and sisters in Christ. Especially in DOCS, when I get to do what I like - photography. Teaching and helping people to improve in their skills are both humbling and interesting. I really gained a lot from my time of serving in DOCS. Docs for Life. I am thankful.
6. I'm thankful for my siblings.
- I used to be really outstanding even among my siblings. But now that I look at them, I feel so small. My oldest sister is trying hard to cure patients in the hospital. Looking at how dedicated she is and how much effort she is putting into her work, I can feel her passion to help the needy and the helpless. My second sister is trying so hard to be a good teacher to her students. Being a student myself, I understand how hard it is for a teacher to teach sometimes, especially when the students are naughty. Looking at how she has the motivation to pursue a Master in Education while teaching is even more touching. My brother is climbing up so fast in whatever he is doing. Looking at his life, I have to say, God is really blessing him for what he has been doing all this while - serving Him. I see how when my brother seeks His kingdom and righteousness, God blesses him with all that he needs and even more. Seeing the impact that he is leaving both in his company and the society and community that he is in, I really look up to him. God has really blessed my family. I am thankful.
Throughout 2013, there are too many things to be thankful for. I wouldn't be able to list them all. In fact, I don't think I can remember all of them. I am really glad for all the things that God has provided for me, and I am thankful for even the troubles in my life, for without them, I wouldn't have grown this much. To cap 2013 off, it has been an amazing journey with God and His people, and I look forward to another awesome year ahead. 2014. May I be obedient to His words and learn to listen to His voice :)
Things that I'm thankful for:
1. I'm improving in terms of academics.
- When I first came to the United States, I took things too lightly. Growing up being a smart kid, I thought I would remain outstanding throughout my life. God humbled me with my bad results during my first semester. Yet by God's grace, I somehow managed to pass all my courses no matter how bad I did in the exams. God has shown me His provision is enough for me. 2013 has been good. At least I managed my time better than before. Didn't focus that much in my study to be honest, but God has blessed me with better results. I am thankful.
2. I'm improving in terms my relationships with people.
- Relationships with my family has always been fine. Even though I don't contact my parents that much (maybe once in a week or two), we know that we love each other and we will be there for each other through thick and thin. Throughout 2013, my parents and I are able to express our love more openly. Thanks to Facebook for all the smileys, we now end our conversations mostly with <3 and :). Love language used to be rare in my house. God has been transforming my family slowly. I am thankful.
- Relationships with friends have been good. Met a lot of new people and formed a lot of friendships in the church. Community is starting to play a bigger role in my life. I used to be quite an introvert. Now I can say, I can't live without a community. University life would have been so much different without the community in HMCC. God has provided me with great brothers and friends in Christ. I am thankful.
- Relationship with God has not been growing too much to be honest. I didn't have the motivation or discipline to read His words every day. I wish I can memorize more bible verses. I wish I can know Him more and more each day. I see how faithful God has been in my life though. He has blessed me with a church that reminds me of His words every now and then, and He has given me a life group leader that constantly reminds me to read His words. I am thankful.
- Among all the relationships that are formed in 2013, I want to thank God for bringing me another relationship that is somehow complicated. A girl that is obedient to God's plan and fearful of Him. Even though it's challenging to wait for His timing and answer, God has taught me so many things through this friendship. Patience, wisdom, and obedience. Whatever His answer is, I am thankful.
3. I'm thankful to have a brother in Christ whom I can share my problems and life with.
- I became really close with Joshua. We decided to meet up once a week just to catch up with one another. I randomly asked him to be my discipler, but he just asked me to pray about it. God hasn't really answered my prayer, so right now we just meet up as an unofficial Life Change Group (LCG). It was really good to have an older brother there to listen to you and to guide you with his opinions. Even though we don't always agree on everything, at least we find joy in growing in our lives together. He taught me a lot of things and showed me different perspectives in some areas. I am thankful.
4. I'm thankful to be an international student.
- Being an international student, I travel a lot. When I look at my American friends, I feel really glad to be an international student. So far I've traveled to around 14 States out of the 50 States in the United States. God has shown me amazing landscapes, culture and people in all these places. I fell in love with traveling. The numerous road trips in 2013 have been fruitful in building bonds and relationships. I got to know so many people in a deeper level. Looking forward to the following breaks and the many awesome trips to come. I am thankful.
5. I'm thankful for the church.
- God has transformed my life through HMCC. I can't deny the fact that life in the USA is better than the life back in Malaysia. Yet if HMCC did not come into my life here, I doubt that the sentence above will stand through. God has placed so many people from HMCC in my life, and their impacts and influences are huge. I wouldn't be that fervent in serving God if they have not shown me the fruits of serving. I found a great joy in serving the Lord with the brothers and sisters in Christ. Especially in DOCS, when I get to do what I like - photography. Teaching and helping people to improve in their skills are both humbling and interesting. I really gained a lot from my time of serving in DOCS. Docs for Life. I am thankful.
6. I'm thankful for my siblings.
- I used to be really outstanding even among my siblings. But now that I look at them, I feel so small. My oldest sister is trying hard to cure patients in the hospital. Looking at how dedicated she is and how much effort she is putting into her work, I can feel her passion to help the needy and the helpless. My second sister is trying so hard to be a good teacher to her students. Being a student myself, I understand how hard it is for a teacher to teach sometimes, especially when the students are naughty. Looking at how she has the motivation to pursue a Master in Education while teaching is even more touching. My brother is climbing up so fast in whatever he is doing. Looking at his life, I have to say, God is really blessing him for what he has been doing all this while - serving Him. I see how when my brother seeks His kingdom and righteousness, God blesses him with all that he needs and even more. Seeing the impact that he is leaving both in his company and the society and community that he is in, I really look up to him. God has really blessed my family. I am thankful.
Throughout 2013, there are too many things to be thankful for. I wouldn't be able to list them all. In fact, I don't think I can remember all of them. I am really glad for all the things that God has provided for me, and I am thankful for even the troubles in my life, for without them, I wouldn't have grown this much. To cap 2013 off, it has been an amazing journey with God and His people, and I look forward to another awesome year ahead. 2014. May I be obedient to His words and learn to listen to His voice :)
Friday, 6 December 2013
Life Group Assignment
During the second last life group of this semester, our leaders gave us an assignment - to answer three questions. I guess the purpose was to encourage us to reflect. But the questions are kind of interesting, so I decide to just answer them here.
1. Who is God?
Well, to me God is above everything, in the middle of everything and under everything. He is above all my imperfections; He is in the center of my life; and He is waiting underneath me to catch me whenever I fall. He is my provider, He is my comforter, He is my King, and at the same time He is my listener. He is always faithful, and He never fails. God is my father, my friend, my lover. He understands me even more than I understand myself, and He knows what's best for me. God is the best author in the world, and the greatest magicians of all time. Nothing is impossible in Him. If I can only use one phrase to describe Him, then "God is God Almighty."
2. Is God trustworthy?
Yes, of course He is. I not just believe so; I know. Throughout my whole life, He has never failed me. And I know He never will. In times of my own failure He always brings something good out of it. In times of success He constantly reminds me of His grace and His faithfulness. If God is not trustworthy, there's no one whom I am trust in this world.
3. Who am I?
Perhaps this is one question that I have some problems with. The thing is, I don't really know how to describe myself. I see myself as different from a lot of people, but in some areas I'm like everyone else. I'm sinful, I'm imperfect, I'm selfish, I'm prideful. Recently I'm confused about my own identity in people's eyes. Too many people know me as a photographer. I used to be known as a smart kid, an all-rounder, a teachers' favorite, a vibrant child, a sport master, etc... Now people just know me as a photographer. In my mind there's this thought: what if I quit photography and strip off my identity as a photographer? Who else can I be? I've dedicated too much time in developing my skills in photography, that I neglected the growth of my other potentials. If one day I really quit photography, I don't think there will be as many people who know me anymore. But at that very moment, I realized my true identity should be a child of God. And if there's nothing else that I'm good at, this is one identity that I shall never lose. It's the best identity that I can have. It's not about me, it's not about what I'm good at, it should always be about Him. And so who am I? I'm a child of God.
1. Who is God?
Well, to me God is above everything, in the middle of everything and under everything. He is above all my imperfections; He is in the center of my life; and He is waiting underneath me to catch me whenever I fall. He is my provider, He is my comforter, He is my King, and at the same time He is my listener. He is always faithful, and He never fails. God is my father, my friend, my lover. He understands me even more than I understand myself, and He knows what's best for me. God is the best author in the world, and the greatest magicians of all time. Nothing is impossible in Him. If I can only use one phrase to describe Him, then "God is God Almighty."
2. Is God trustworthy?
Yes, of course He is. I not just believe so; I know. Throughout my whole life, He has never failed me. And I know He never will. In times of my own failure He always brings something good out of it. In times of success He constantly reminds me of His grace and His faithfulness. If God is not trustworthy, there's no one whom I am trust in this world.
3. Who am I?
Perhaps this is one question that I have some problems with. The thing is, I don't really know how to describe myself. I see myself as different from a lot of people, but in some areas I'm like everyone else. I'm sinful, I'm imperfect, I'm selfish, I'm prideful. Recently I'm confused about my own identity in people's eyes. Too many people know me as a photographer. I used to be known as a smart kid, an all-rounder, a teachers' favorite, a vibrant child, a sport master, etc... Now people just know me as a photographer. In my mind there's this thought: what if I quit photography and strip off my identity as a photographer? Who else can I be? I've dedicated too much time in developing my skills in photography, that I neglected the growth of my other potentials. If one day I really quit photography, I don't think there will be as many people who know me anymore. But at that very moment, I realized my true identity should be a child of God. And if there's nothing else that I'm good at, this is one identity that I shall never lose. It's the best identity that I can have. It's not about me, it's not about what I'm good at, it should always be about Him. And so who am I? I'm a child of God.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Total Reflection
Took a few days off during Thanksgiving to do a little bit of reflection. Realized how sinful and imperfect I am as a human being. I'll never be able to reach God's standard. I can never be perfectly faithful to him. Yet in the midst of all this brokenness, I know His grace is enough for me. The sermon this morning spoke right into my heart; or to put it in another way, spoke exactly what's inside my mind as I did my reflection these few days. God doesn't promise us elimination from hardships; but he promises us His presence in times of uncertainty. Even when we're faithless, He remains faithful. And that is enough for me.
End of thanksgiving week. The start of Advent season. Pen off.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
A Story Written by God
Despite having grown so much over the spring and summer semester, I failed again. Humbled by the fact that I will never be a perfect person, I can only turn to God.
I saw how the dots connected with each other. What I did not see was that the dots were leading me to a dead end. I can't say that I was not heartbroken. How could I, when things seemed to fit so well? And I thought I was right. Turned out I wasn't.
Yet the downfall seems to bring me up to another level of maturity. A day of fasting seems to bring me to the addressing of the different issues in my life. Somehow God can always bring life to ruins. And I hold on to my believe that everything happens for a reason.
God I couldn't understand why you brought her into my life. Perhaps I will never know. But I learned so much from her, and maybe that's what you want me to remember. I don't know what kind of story You're writing for me, but I clearly understand that You're the best scriptwriter. And if You're the author of life, why would I doubt Your ability to write? Sometimes I really want to take a peek at the things in the future, but I guess life is more interesting when it's full of surprises. God, heal me and purify my heart. Teach me how to put down my pride and surrender my life into Your hands. Show me Your glory.
I saw how the dots connected with each other. What I did not see was that the dots were leading me to a dead end. I can't say that I was not heartbroken. How could I, when things seemed to fit so well? And I thought I was right. Turned out I wasn't.
Yet the downfall seems to bring me up to another level of maturity. A day of fasting seems to bring me to the addressing of the different issues in my life. Somehow God can always bring life to ruins. And I hold on to my believe that everything happens for a reason.
God I couldn't understand why you brought her into my life. Perhaps I will never know. But I learned so much from her, and maybe that's what you want me to remember. I don't know what kind of story You're writing for me, but I clearly understand that You're the best scriptwriter. And if You're the author of life, why would I doubt Your ability to write? Sometimes I really want to take a peek at the things in the future, but I guess life is more interesting when it's full of surprises. God, heal me and purify my heart. Teach me how to put down my pride and surrender my life into Your hands. Show me Your glory.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
A New Responsibility
Officially became the co-leader of a sub-ministry team in the church. DOCS coverage. Basically we take photos and videos, archieve them, and then filter and edit the photos before passing them to the Web team and the Publications team. It has been so long since I actually lead something. Recalling those days in the Boys' Brigade back in secondary school, leading was a natural thing. Got used to following after I left school I guess. It's time to step up and take the lead again. Deep down in my heart, I want to channel everything that I know to all the members in the team. I want to build a powerful DOCS team that can really document and showcase God's work and glory to the world outside the church. God, use me as You will.
Friday, 25 October 2013
Post-Drinking
I will probably never drink again.
So I met up with a close friend of mine, and we went shopping at Kroger. He suddenly suggested to buy beer and drink together as we share about our lives. Since I'm already of age, I casually agreed. But I have never liked to drink since I was young. I tried a few types of beer and wine before, and I always regretted drinking afterwards. I thought things might change as time passes. Turned out I was wrong.
Initially we wanted to buy a bottle of red wine because I told him I always added the red wine in Sprite when I was young and it tasted really good. But in the end we decided to buy some apple-flavored drink with just 5% alcohol in it since we need to go to Morning Prayer the next morning. Guess what? My face was red and my head ached after drinking not even half of the bottle. He looked at me with his mouth opened and eventually just laughed. At that moment, what I could think of was just, "I shouldn't have drunk this."
I never thought a little bottle of apple-flavored drink could affect me that much. Maybe there is just something bothering my mind right now. To be honest, I did a really stupid thing lately. And I feel really dumb whenever I think about it. Sigh. When will I ever learn.
Anyway, God's grace is enough. But I will probably never drink again.
p.s. waking up in the middle of the night, and I'm just sitting here not knowing what to do.
So I met up with a close friend of mine, and we went shopping at Kroger. He suddenly suggested to buy beer and drink together as we share about our lives. Since I'm already of age, I casually agreed. But I have never liked to drink since I was young. I tried a few types of beer and wine before, and I always regretted drinking afterwards. I thought things might change as time passes. Turned out I was wrong.
Initially we wanted to buy a bottle of red wine because I told him I always added the red wine in Sprite when I was young and it tasted really good. But in the end we decided to buy some apple-flavored drink with just 5% alcohol in it since we need to go to Morning Prayer the next morning. Guess what? My face was red and my head ached after drinking not even half of the bottle. He looked at me with his mouth opened and eventually just laughed. At that moment, what I could think of was just, "I shouldn't have drunk this."
I never thought a little bottle of apple-flavored drink could affect me that much. Maybe there is just something bothering my mind right now. To be honest, I did a really stupid thing lately. And I feel really dumb whenever I think about it. Sigh. When will I ever learn.
Anyway, God's grace is enough. But I will probably never drink again.
p.s. waking up in the middle of the night, and I'm just sitting here not knowing what to do.
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Torrential
One thing that I always fail is probably to update my blog. It's funny how I'm always full of random thoughts but I never care to jot them down. A few months after Spring, I finally decided to come back and drop a post. Hopefully a few years later when I look back, this will be worth it.
So !gnite Conference was awesome. Met with so many people from HMCC Chicago and HMCC Austin. Serving during this conference was so intense, especially when the lighting was so fancy. Of course it looked nice, but taking photos was such a difficult job. Capturing precious moments in the dark...tough. But thank God it was a great Conference. Gained so much from it.
Summer was spent with church community. With nothing to do every day, I just walked around the campus and talking to random people that I know. Went to church almost every day to help with random things. Jogged with CSMP teams for a few times, and even played frisbee with Asia Mission Team once. Haha...such a chill and fun summer. Weather was great, pictures turned out awesome. Officially fallen in love with the community here.
Fall semester started before I realized it. Time passes too fast. Taking 14 credits seems so little, but it is crazier than any of the semesters before. With two lab courses in hands, homework seems like an infinity. Weekends become the busiest moments of the week, and life group on Wednesday becomes the best place to take a break. The first midterm passed a week ago. Turned out better than I expected. Indeed, in the midst of everything, God is always faithful. He is and will always be my provider. With that I stay contented.
Undergrad Retreat this year was themed Torrential. Let It Rain prayers were thrown up into heaven, and hands held tight together knowing that He always answers. It was great forming all the bonds in between life groups. Seeing how God transforms people is amazing. People coming to Christ is, I quote Pastor Seth, the greatest miracle on Earth. So many Chinese students came to know Christ. My heart was moved. Deeply. There is hope in China after all.
Malaysian government banned the use of the word "Allah" in the Christian newspaper "The Herald". Sounds ridiculous to me. We have used that word to refer to our God in Bahasa for so long. Sigh. This issue raised so many problems in Malaysia now. Hopefully things will settle down and people will be reunited again. I strongly believe God is transforming Malaysia still.
Last thing. I'm amazed by a girl that I recently got to know. She saw one of my photos on Facebook and asked if I used just a tripod or with a filter as well. Man, that has never happened before. I mean, there are a lot of good photographers in the church, but most of them focus more on portraits. I'm never a portrait photographer. But I love landscapes! And using ND filter to capture the flow of water...it is one of my fondest techniques. I've always found it fun to talk to anyone about photography, but this time something clicked in my heart. Chatting with that girl makes me realized the many similarities between us. Too many. And she gave me such a good first impression. Pastor Seth preached on a sermon related to Relationship right after I got to know that girl. It's so funny, but I always ask myself, how do I know when is God's timing? Weird as it is, I always hope that my wife in the future can be a person who has the same passion for photography, travelling, nature...etc. God, could this be the girl? Whatever it is, I pray that you help me to do things in a Godly way. Trim me and shape me to be a man of God. #More of You, Less of Me
So !gnite Conference was awesome. Met with so many people from HMCC Chicago and HMCC Austin. Serving during this conference was so intense, especially when the lighting was so fancy. Of course it looked nice, but taking photos was such a difficult job. Capturing precious moments in the dark...tough. But thank God it was a great Conference. Gained so much from it.
Summer was spent with church community. With nothing to do every day, I just walked around the campus and talking to random people that I know. Went to church almost every day to help with random things. Jogged with CSMP teams for a few times, and even played frisbee with Asia Mission Team once. Haha...such a chill and fun summer. Weather was great, pictures turned out awesome. Officially fallen in love with the community here.
Fall semester started before I realized it. Time passes too fast. Taking 14 credits seems so little, but it is crazier than any of the semesters before. With two lab courses in hands, homework seems like an infinity. Weekends become the busiest moments of the week, and life group on Wednesday becomes the best place to take a break. The first midterm passed a week ago. Turned out better than I expected. Indeed, in the midst of everything, God is always faithful. He is and will always be my provider. With that I stay contented.
Undergrad Retreat this year was themed Torrential. Let It Rain prayers were thrown up into heaven, and hands held tight together knowing that He always answers. It was great forming all the bonds in between life groups. Seeing how God transforms people is amazing. People coming to Christ is, I quote Pastor Seth, the greatest miracle on Earth. So many Chinese students came to know Christ. My heart was moved. Deeply. There is hope in China after all.
Malaysian government banned the use of the word "Allah" in the Christian newspaper "The Herald". Sounds ridiculous to me. We have used that word to refer to our God in Bahasa for so long. Sigh. This issue raised so many problems in Malaysia now. Hopefully things will settle down and people will be reunited again. I strongly believe God is transforming Malaysia still.
Last thing. I'm amazed by a girl that I recently got to know. She saw one of my photos on Facebook and asked if I used just a tripod or with a filter as well. Man, that has never happened before. I mean, there are a lot of good photographers in the church, but most of them focus more on portraits. I'm never a portrait photographer. But I love landscapes! And using ND filter to capture the flow of water...it is one of my fondest techniques. I've always found it fun to talk to anyone about photography, but this time something clicked in my heart. Chatting with that girl makes me realized the many similarities between us. Too many. And she gave me such a good first impression. Pastor Seth preached on a sermon related to Relationship right after I got to know that girl. It's so funny, but I always ask myself, how do I know when is God's timing? Weird as it is, I always hope that my wife in the future can be a person who has the same passion for photography, travelling, nature...etc. God, could this be the girl? Whatever it is, I pray that you help me to do things in a Godly way. Trim me and shape me to be a man of God. #More of You, Less of Me
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Back
Have been missing for some time. Not due to busyness, not due to overloaded work, not due to any significant reason, but merely the lack of interest and motivation to blog.
Spring semester is just over. It has been a really good semester. All assignments and no exam. Love this kind of life a lot actually. Two months full of paper-writing and photo-shooting. God knows how much time I have spent doing all these things. Got an A for my photography class. For once in my university life, I am not satisfied with an A. Maybe it's time to relearn the meaning of being contented.
!gnite Conference 2013 is just around the corner. The AV team rents a lot of fancy lights for the conference. Attached with this post is a photo showing how a part of the lights looks like.
Life in summer has been great so far. First day of summer, I had nothing to do. Ended up going to church at 9 a.m. to help build a signpost. Stayed in the church to help set up the lighting and stayed there until 3 p.m. Went to Landmark to plan a life group trip to Ohio and Kentucky with Joshua. After that, we went to Neo Papalis to eat pizza (20% of the profit that night goes to Asia Missions Team in HMCC). Went to church again for !gnite Prayer Gathering. Feel contented because initially I had a day with nothing to do. But I ended up doing so many things. And above all, it's more of Him, and less of me. Thank you God.
Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. Went to the church for morning prayer meeting. And guess what? Right after that, I ran 8 miles! 8 MILES! That is around 12.8 km. That is the longest run in my life. The greatest thing about that run is that I didn't stop. Broke a personal record yeah?
Excited about !gnite Conference. Meeting people from Austin and Chicago has been great so far. Looking forward to see more of Him, and less of me :)
Spring semester is just over. It has been a really good semester. All assignments and no exam. Love this kind of life a lot actually. Two months full of paper-writing and photo-shooting. God knows how much time I have spent doing all these things. Got an A for my photography class. For once in my university life, I am not satisfied with an A. Maybe it's time to relearn the meaning of being contented.
!gnite Conference 2013 is just around the corner. The AV team rents a lot of fancy lights for the conference. Attached with this post is a photo showing how a part of the lights looks like.
Life in summer has been great so far. First day of summer, I had nothing to do. Ended up going to church at 9 a.m. to help build a signpost. Stayed in the church to help set up the lighting and stayed there until 3 p.m. Went to Landmark to plan a life group trip to Ohio and Kentucky with Joshua. After that, we went to Neo Papalis to eat pizza (20% of the profit that night goes to Asia Missions Team in HMCC). Went to church again for !gnite Prayer Gathering. Feel contented because initially I had a day with nothing to do. But I ended up doing so many things. And above all, it's more of Him, and less of me. Thank you God.
Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. Went to the church for morning prayer meeting. And guess what? Right after that, I ran 8 miles! 8 MILES! That is around 12.8 km. That is the longest run in my life. The greatest thing about that run is that I didn't stop. Broke a personal record yeah?
Excited about !gnite Conference. Meeting people from Austin and Chicago has been great so far. Looking forward to see more of Him, and less of me :)
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Good Friday / Baptism / Easter Celebration
The past two weeks were probably the most busy weeks in my life here so far. Spent so much time on doing videos for the church, but it turned out very rewarding. Such a blessing to see people being moved to tears watching it, and such a blessing to serve the Lord. Witnessed a lot of people getting baptized on Saturday. Listening to their so many different testimonies simply reconfirmed the greatness of our God. He works in every single possible way. Had two midterms right after Easter. I know I will do badly in both, but I don't and I can't blame Easter for that. I need to realize that there're things that are more important than my life - saving others. Check out the video! :)
Friday, 29 March 2013
A Random Poem for Good Friday
Shame and pain,
He took it all;
fame and gain,
He gave us all.
"It is finished,"
He said on the cross;
his mission accomplished,
He is the Boss.
Why do you doubt?
You're no longer in debt.
Why do you doubt?
You're no longer chained.
He gave his life,
so we can have hope;
He gave his all,
so we can stand tall.
He deserves more,
Yet him we ignore,
He calls out to us,
We treat him like cactus.
Never has he let go,
However bad we messed up;
Never has he failed,
Whenever we need cheering up.
So come and embrace Him,
He the one who redeems;
So come and worship Him,
for He's the one who deems.
He took it all;
fame and gain,
He gave us all.
"It is finished,"
He said on the cross;
his mission accomplished,
He is the Boss.
Why do you doubt?
You're no longer in debt.
Why do you doubt?
You're no longer chained.
He gave his life,
so we can have hope;
He gave his all,
so we can stand tall.
He deserves more,
Yet him we ignore,
He calls out to us,
We treat him like cactus.
Never has he let go,
However bad we messed up;
Never has he failed,
Whenever we need cheering up.
So come and embrace Him,
He the one who redeems;
So come and worship Him,
for He's the one who deems.
Friday, 8 March 2013
GA Retreat 2013 & Spring Break
Went to Global Access Retreat at the beginning of my Spring Break 2013, and it's...tiring, yet super rewarding. Met with a lot of people from HMCC Chicago, and they impressed me a lot, really. Maybe it's because the HMCC there started up small, so most of them needed to take up the leader roles. But really, their maturity in their faith impresses me a lot. It's great to be in the same group with some of them, as we shared about our lives and experienced God together. Retreats are just really nice. Chilling together as a church somewhere far away, with God's presence so real every single day. It's a bliss.
Spring break has been...food (good) to me. Spent all my days out in the Downtown and Kerry Town area, trying out all the good food. It's pricey, I know, but at least the next time someone comes to visit me, I can tell them, Ann Arbor is not really boring, we have some really nice food! Tried quite a few restaurants so far, and they are all really nice. It's a great feeling being able to chill for a week before stepping into the 2nd half of the semester. It's going to be torturous, I'm very confident about that. Sigh..I wonder if it's really worth it for me to stay up late every night just to finish all my academic-related work. Serving in DOCS adds another really big burden on my shoulders. I'm not working, but I feel like I'm busier than all the people in my house. What's wrong with my major, really? Gahhh...anyway, glad to be alive. Lol...too bad Spring break has come to an end. Better be prepared for the coming weeks. God bless me. Stay strong :)
Spring break has been...food (good) to me. Spent all my days out in the Downtown and Kerry Town area, trying out all the good food. It's pricey, I know, but at least the next time someone comes to visit me, I can tell them, Ann Arbor is not really boring, we have some really nice food! Tried quite a few restaurants so far, and they are all really nice. It's a great feeling being able to chill for a week before stepping into the 2nd half of the semester. It's going to be torturous, I'm very confident about that. Sigh..I wonder if it's really worth it for me to stay up late every night just to finish all my academic-related work. Serving in DOCS adds another really big burden on my shoulders. I'm not working, but I feel like I'm busier than all the people in my house. What's wrong with my major, really? Gahhh...anyway, glad to be alive. Lol...too bad Spring break has come to an end. Better be prepared for the coming weeks. God bless me. Stay strong :)
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
The King of My Life
Every single time I get tired of my life, the best resort that I have is to turn to God. Listening to worship songs always, always give me that sense of peace, no matter where I am. However down I might be, that tangible touch of the Holy Spirit always energizes me in an amazing way. I'm so thankful to have made You the king of my life :)
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