Thursday, 20 February 2014
Thursday, 6 February 2014
Trust God, Get Going
2014 started off with the wrong rhythm. First, I messed up a friendship that I treasured a lot. Until a point when that person asked me, "What is wrong with you?"
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
My life group leader once told me that I should never use that phrase on any girl. I disregarded his advice and told him I'm always joking when I say that, and that most people can take it. I never expected a day when I can be hurt so much by a phrase which I always jokingly use. Fury filled my heart for that one second, followed by immense sorrow and disappointment. To think of all the things that I've done and sacrificed with or without that person's knowledge, I wonder why I was so stupid to care so much. Perhaps God wants to teach me the meaning of unconditional love? I'm lost.
Prayers after prayers went unanswered. Still unanswered. My faith has never been shaken ever since the day I proclaimed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. While it's true that sometimes I doubt His timing, I've never failed to believe that God is good and He will provide. Yet somehow this time, somewhere in the midst of all the mess, I doubt if God really knows what is best for me. The crazy homework at school doesn't help at all in my situation. Tonight I told my life group leader, I'm really tired. Life group has become a routine for me, I don't know where I'm going. Life is a mess. I'm lost. Really lost this time. Lost my purpose, lost my motivation in studying, lost my eagerness to build friendships, lost my heart to care and love people.
I once told myself to let go, and to let God. Someone told me something different - Trust God, Get Going. Indeed, I don't know where I will end up at, who I will end up with, or what kind of life I will end up having. I realized trusting God and obeying God are two very different things. Right now I don't have a lot of wishes. I only hope I can have that childlike faith again. God, if You're listening, teach me how to love You once again. If I managed to do it before, I can do it again.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
2014 | New Year Re-Solution
I can come up with more than a dozen things to accomplish in the new year, but Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
That being said, I can plan as far ahead as I can, but if God is not willing, all my plans will be in vain.
2014. May it be a year that I can learn how to be the electrons around the protons, constantly revolving and making God the center of my life. Every decision, may it be after His will, following His way.
"...so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." ~1 Peter 4:2 (ESV)
That being said, I can plan as far ahead as I can, but if God is not willing, all my plans will be in vain.
2014. May it be a year that I can learn how to be the electrons around the protons, constantly revolving and making God the center of my life. Every decision, may it be after His will, following His way.
"...so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." ~1 Peter 4:2 (ESV)
Friday, 3 January 2014
2013 | Reflection
A year has passed. A year full of mistakes and rebukes and growth and transformation. And right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop with my spiritual brother, reflecting on the things that have taken place in 2013 and the lessons we have gained from them.
Things that I'm thankful for:
1. I'm improving in terms of academics.
- When I first came to the United States, I took things too lightly. Growing up being a smart kid, I thought I would remain outstanding throughout my life. God humbled me with my bad results during my first semester. Yet by God's grace, I somehow managed to pass all my courses no matter how bad I did in the exams. God has shown me His provision is enough for me. 2013 has been good. At least I managed my time better than before. Didn't focus that much in my study to be honest, but God has blessed me with better results. I am thankful.
2. I'm improving in terms my relationships with people.
- Relationships with my family has always been fine. Even though I don't contact my parents that much (maybe once in a week or two), we know that we love each other and we will be there for each other through thick and thin. Throughout 2013, my parents and I are able to express our love more openly. Thanks to Facebook for all the smileys, we now end our conversations mostly with <3 and :). Love language used to be rare in my house. God has been transforming my family slowly. I am thankful.
- Relationships with friends have been good. Met a lot of new people and formed a lot of friendships in the church. Community is starting to play a bigger role in my life. I used to be quite an introvert. Now I can say, I can't live without a community. University life would have been so much different without the community in HMCC. God has provided me with great brothers and friends in Christ. I am thankful.
- Relationship with God has not been growing too much to be honest. I didn't have the motivation or discipline to read His words every day. I wish I can memorize more bible verses. I wish I can know Him more and more each day. I see how faithful God has been in my life though. He has blessed me with a church that reminds me of His words every now and then, and He has given me a life group leader that constantly reminds me to read His words. I am thankful.
- Among all the relationships that are formed in 2013, I want to thank God for bringing me another relationship that is somehow complicated. A girl that is obedient to God's plan and fearful of Him. Even though it's challenging to wait for His timing and answer, God has taught me so many things through this friendship. Patience, wisdom, and obedience. Whatever His answer is, I am thankful.
3. I'm thankful to have a brother in Christ whom I can share my problems and life with.
- I became really close with Joshua. We decided to meet up once a week just to catch up with one another. I randomly asked him to be my discipler, but he just asked me to pray about it. God hasn't really answered my prayer, so right now we just meet up as an unofficial Life Change Group (LCG). It was really good to have an older brother there to listen to you and to guide you with his opinions. Even though we don't always agree on everything, at least we find joy in growing in our lives together. He taught me a lot of things and showed me different perspectives in some areas. I am thankful.
4. I'm thankful to be an international student.
- Being an international student, I travel a lot. When I look at my American friends, I feel really glad to be an international student. So far I've traveled to around 14 States out of the 50 States in the United States. God has shown me amazing landscapes, culture and people in all these places. I fell in love with traveling. The numerous road trips in 2013 have been fruitful in building bonds and relationships. I got to know so many people in a deeper level. Looking forward to the following breaks and the many awesome trips to come. I am thankful.
5. I'm thankful for the church.
- God has transformed my life through HMCC. I can't deny the fact that life in the USA is better than the life back in Malaysia. Yet if HMCC did not come into my life here, I doubt that the sentence above will stand through. God has placed so many people from HMCC in my life, and their impacts and influences are huge. I wouldn't be that fervent in serving God if they have not shown me the fruits of serving. I found a great joy in serving the Lord with the brothers and sisters in Christ. Especially in DOCS, when I get to do what I like - photography. Teaching and helping people to improve in their skills are both humbling and interesting. I really gained a lot from my time of serving in DOCS. Docs for Life. I am thankful.
6. I'm thankful for my siblings.
- I used to be really outstanding even among my siblings. But now that I look at them, I feel so small. My oldest sister is trying hard to cure patients in the hospital. Looking at how dedicated she is and how much effort she is putting into her work, I can feel her passion to help the needy and the helpless. My second sister is trying so hard to be a good teacher to her students. Being a student myself, I understand how hard it is for a teacher to teach sometimes, especially when the students are naughty. Looking at how she has the motivation to pursue a Master in Education while teaching is even more touching. My brother is climbing up so fast in whatever he is doing. Looking at his life, I have to say, God is really blessing him for what he has been doing all this while - serving Him. I see how when my brother seeks His kingdom and righteousness, God blesses him with all that he needs and even more. Seeing the impact that he is leaving both in his company and the society and community that he is in, I really look up to him. God has really blessed my family. I am thankful.
Throughout 2013, there are too many things to be thankful for. I wouldn't be able to list them all. In fact, I don't think I can remember all of them. I am really glad for all the things that God has provided for me, and I am thankful for even the troubles in my life, for without them, I wouldn't have grown this much. To cap 2013 off, it has been an amazing journey with God and His people, and I look forward to another awesome year ahead. 2014. May I be obedient to His words and learn to listen to His voice :)
Things that I'm thankful for:
1. I'm improving in terms of academics.
- When I first came to the United States, I took things too lightly. Growing up being a smart kid, I thought I would remain outstanding throughout my life. God humbled me with my bad results during my first semester. Yet by God's grace, I somehow managed to pass all my courses no matter how bad I did in the exams. God has shown me His provision is enough for me. 2013 has been good. At least I managed my time better than before. Didn't focus that much in my study to be honest, but God has blessed me with better results. I am thankful.
2. I'm improving in terms my relationships with people.
- Relationships with my family has always been fine. Even though I don't contact my parents that much (maybe once in a week or two), we know that we love each other and we will be there for each other through thick and thin. Throughout 2013, my parents and I are able to express our love more openly. Thanks to Facebook for all the smileys, we now end our conversations mostly with <3 and :). Love language used to be rare in my house. God has been transforming my family slowly. I am thankful.
- Relationships with friends have been good. Met a lot of new people and formed a lot of friendships in the church. Community is starting to play a bigger role in my life. I used to be quite an introvert. Now I can say, I can't live without a community. University life would have been so much different without the community in HMCC. God has provided me with great brothers and friends in Christ. I am thankful.
- Relationship with God has not been growing too much to be honest. I didn't have the motivation or discipline to read His words every day. I wish I can memorize more bible verses. I wish I can know Him more and more each day. I see how faithful God has been in my life though. He has blessed me with a church that reminds me of His words every now and then, and He has given me a life group leader that constantly reminds me to read His words. I am thankful.
- Among all the relationships that are formed in 2013, I want to thank God for bringing me another relationship that is somehow complicated. A girl that is obedient to God's plan and fearful of Him. Even though it's challenging to wait for His timing and answer, God has taught me so many things through this friendship. Patience, wisdom, and obedience. Whatever His answer is, I am thankful.
3. I'm thankful to have a brother in Christ whom I can share my problems and life with.
- I became really close with Joshua. We decided to meet up once a week just to catch up with one another. I randomly asked him to be my discipler, but he just asked me to pray about it. God hasn't really answered my prayer, so right now we just meet up as an unofficial Life Change Group (LCG). It was really good to have an older brother there to listen to you and to guide you with his opinions. Even though we don't always agree on everything, at least we find joy in growing in our lives together. He taught me a lot of things and showed me different perspectives in some areas. I am thankful.
4. I'm thankful to be an international student.
- Being an international student, I travel a lot. When I look at my American friends, I feel really glad to be an international student. So far I've traveled to around 14 States out of the 50 States in the United States. God has shown me amazing landscapes, culture and people in all these places. I fell in love with traveling. The numerous road trips in 2013 have been fruitful in building bonds and relationships. I got to know so many people in a deeper level. Looking forward to the following breaks and the many awesome trips to come. I am thankful.
5. I'm thankful for the church.
- God has transformed my life through HMCC. I can't deny the fact that life in the USA is better than the life back in Malaysia. Yet if HMCC did not come into my life here, I doubt that the sentence above will stand through. God has placed so many people from HMCC in my life, and their impacts and influences are huge. I wouldn't be that fervent in serving God if they have not shown me the fruits of serving. I found a great joy in serving the Lord with the brothers and sisters in Christ. Especially in DOCS, when I get to do what I like - photography. Teaching and helping people to improve in their skills are both humbling and interesting. I really gained a lot from my time of serving in DOCS. Docs for Life. I am thankful.
6. I'm thankful for my siblings.
- I used to be really outstanding even among my siblings. But now that I look at them, I feel so small. My oldest sister is trying hard to cure patients in the hospital. Looking at how dedicated she is and how much effort she is putting into her work, I can feel her passion to help the needy and the helpless. My second sister is trying so hard to be a good teacher to her students. Being a student myself, I understand how hard it is for a teacher to teach sometimes, especially when the students are naughty. Looking at how she has the motivation to pursue a Master in Education while teaching is even more touching. My brother is climbing up so fast in whatever he is doing. Looking at his life, I have to say, God is really blessing him for what he has been doing all this while - serving Him. I see how when my brother seeks His kingdom and righteousness, God blesses him with all that he needs and even more. Seeing the impact that he is leaving both in his company and the society and community that he is in, I really look up to him. God has really blessed my family. I am thankful.
Throughout 2013, there are too many things to be thankful for. I wouldn't be able to list them all. In fact, I don't think I can remember all of them. I am really glad for all the things that God has provided for me, and I am thankful for even the troubles in my life, for without them, I wouldn't have grown this much. To cap 2013 off, it has been an amazing journey with God and His people, and I look forward to another awesome year ahead. 2014. May I be obedient to His words and learn to listen to His voice :)
Friday, 6 December 2013
Life Group Assignment
During the second last life group of this semester, our leaders gave us an assignment - to answer three questions. I guess the purpose was to encourage us to reflect. But the questions are kind of interesting, so I decide to just answer them here.
1. Who is God?
Well, to me God is above everything, in the middle of everything and under everything. He is above all my imperfections; He is in the center of my life; and He is waiting underneath me to catch me whenever I fall. He is my provider, He is my comforter, He is my King, and at the same time He is my listener. He is always faithful, and He never fails. God is my father, my friend, my lover. He understands me even more than I understand myself, and He knows what's best for me. God is the best author in the world, and the greatest magicians of all time. Nothing is impossible in Him. If I can only use one phrase to describe Him, then "God is God Almighty."
2. Is God trustworthy?
Yes, of course He is. I not just believe so; I know. Throughout my whole life, He has never failed me. And I know He never will. In times of my own failure He always brings something good out of it. In times of success He constantly reminds me of His grace and His faithfulness. If God is not trustworthy, there's no one whom I am trust in this world.
3. Who am I?
Perhaps this is one question that I have some problems with. The thing is, I don't really know how to describe myself. I see myself as different from a lot of people, but in some areas I'm like everyone else. I'm sinful, I'm imperfect, I'm selfish, I'm prideful. Recently I'm confused about my own identity in people's eyes. Too many people know me as a photographer. I used to be known as a smart kid, an all-rounder, a teachers' favorite, a vibrant child, a sport master, etc... Now people just know me as a photographer. In my mind there's this thought: what if I quit photography and strip off my identity as a photographer? Who else can I be? I've dedicated too much time in developing my skills in photography, that I neglected the growth of my other potentials. If one day I really quit photography, I don't think there will be as many people who know me anymore. But at that very moment, I realized my true identity should be a child of God. And if there's nothing else that I'm good at, this is one identity that I shall never lose. It's the best identity that I can have. It's not about me, it's not about what I'm good at, it should always be about Him. And so who am I? I'm a child of God.
1. Who is God?
Well, to me God is above everything, in the middle of everything and under everything. He is above all my imperfections; He is in the center of my life; and He is waiting underneath me to catch me whenever I fall. He is my provider, He is my comforter, He is my King, and at the same time He is my listener. He is always faithful, and He never fails. God is my father, my friend, my lover. He understands me even more than I understand myself, and He knows what's best for me. God is the best author in the world, and the greatest magicians of all time. Nothing is impossible in Him. If I can only use one phrase to describe Him, then "God is God Almighty."
2. Is God trustworthy?
Yes, of course He is. I not just believe so; I know. Throughout my whole life, He has never failed me. And I know He never will. In times of my own failure He always brings something good out of it. In times of success He constantly reminds me of His grace and His faithfulness. If God is not trustworthy, there's no one whom I am trust in this world.
3. Who am I?
Perhaps this is one question that I have some problems with. The thing is, I don't really know how to describe myself. I see myself as different from a lot of people, but in some areas I'm like everyone else. I'm sinful, I'm imperfect, I'm selfish, I'm prideful. Recently I'm confused about my own identity in people's eyes. Too many people know me as a photographer. I used to be known as a smart kid, an all-rounder, a teachers' favorite, a vibrant child, a sport master, etc... Now people just know me as a photographer. In my mind there's this thought: what if I quit photography and strip off my identity as a photographer? Who else can I be? I've dedicated too much time in developing my skills in photography, that I neglected the growth of my other potentials. If one day I really quit photography, I don't think there will be as many people who know me anymore. But at that very moment, I realized my true identity should be a child of God. And if there's nothing else that I'm good at, this is one identity that I shall never lose. It's the best identity that I can have. It's not about me, it's not about what I'm good at, it should always be about Him. And so who am I? I'm a child of God.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Total Reflection
Took a few days off during Thanksgiving to do a little bit of reflection. Realized how sinful and imperfect I am as a human being. I'll never be able to reach God's standard. I can never be perfectly faithful to him. Yet in the midst of all this brokenness, I know His grace is enough for me. The sermon this morning spoke right into my heart; or to put it in another way, spoke exactly what's inside my mind as I did my reflection these few days. God doesn't promise us elimination from hardships; but he promises us His presence in times of uncertainty. Even when we're faithless, He remains faithful. And that is enough for me.
End of thanksgiving week. The start of Advent season. Pen off.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
A Story Written by God
Despite having grown so much over the spring and summer semester, I failed again. Humbled by the fact that I will never be a perfect person, I can only turn to God.
I saw how the dots connected with each other. What I did not see was that the dots were leading me to a dead end. I can't say that I was not heartbroken. How could I, when things seemed to fit so well? And I thought I was right. Turned out I wasn't.
Yet the downfall seems to bring me up to another level of maturity. A day of fasting seems to bring me to the addressing of the different issues in my life. Somehow God can always bring life to ruins. And I hold on to my believe that everything happens for a reason.
God I couldn't understand why you brought her into my life. Perhaps I will never know. But I learned so much from her, and maybe that's what you want me to remember. I don't know what kind of story You're writing for me, but I clearly understand that You're the best scriptwriter. And if You're the author of life, why would I doubt Your ability to write? Sometimes I really want to take a peek at the things in the future, but I guess life is more interesting when it's full of surprises. God, heal me and purify my heart. Teach me how to put down my pride and surrender my life into Your hands. Show me Your glory.
I saw how the dots connected with each other. What I did not see was that the dots were leading me to a dead end. I can't say that I was not heartbroken. How could I, when things seemed to fit so well? And I thought I was right. Turned out I wasn't.
Yet the downfall seems to bring me up to another level of maturity. A day of fasting seems to bring me to the addressing of the different issues in my life. Somehow God can always bring life to ruins. And I hold on to my believe that everything happens for a reason.
God I couldn't understand why you brought her into my life. Perhaps I will never know. But I learned so much from her, and maybe that's what you want me to remember. I don't know what kind of story You're writing for me, but I clearly understand that You're the best scriptwriter. And if You're the author of life, why would I doubt Your ability to write? Sometimes I really want to take a peek at the things in the future, but I guess life is more interesting when it's full of surprises. God, heal me and purify my heart. Teach me how to put down my pride and surrender my life into Your hands. Show me Your glory.
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