A bothered Mind

4:09 a.m. Aiks, not sure if I have the energy to finish writing this, but things need to be explained. Found myself having a lot of problems interacting with girls, to be honest. Maybe it's my own fault. I've so far remained the same naive me, treating people of the opposite gender like how I used to back in high school. Things were so much simpler back then. We can be close while still remaining the status of close friends. Why can't it be the same now? Sigh... So I was close with a few girls. Texted a lot with them. It lasted for quite some time. Then I was approached by my two leaders regarding this issue. What I did after that was to treat them really cold, because I didn't really know what to do. I felt bad lately, and I tried to approach them in a friendly way, with the intention of merely trying to be friends again. Yet they gave me a really cold shoulder. Lol..I don't know what and where I did wrong, but I'm kind of bothered by this matter. Accountability in the church is a good thing, but sometimes I think it brings troubles to me too. I guess at the end of the day, I have to conclude that accountability applies to everyone in a different way. I reacted to my leaders' advice in a wrong way, treating those girls so differently without really explaining things clearly. One thing that I can't understand though, is that they are now reacting as if I'm pleading them to be my friends again. Lol..I feel so pathetic and funny at the same time. I have a lot of friends actually. I can be close to anyone if I want to. Somehow I just have that kind of ability. But I'm trying to balance things out, and not to spend too much time with the same people. That's to say, it doesn't really matter to me if I lose one or two friends. I mean, I would be really happy if we can forget the past and be friends again, but if you don't care, why should I? I feel so stupid saying sorry to you when I actually have done nothing wrong in the first place. Seriously? Ha. Ha.

There's one girl that's special though. Lol... I name her Girl A. The first time I met this girl in my life group, I told my friend Lee Sin, "Eh, that girl is so pretty." I seldom compliment a girl like that in my life, but when I do, I guess she's really pretty. And yes, the first time I met this girl, I thought, "Wow, this girl is beautiful in a very elegant way." She looks like a star to me. Haha..and she still does. Time passed, and our life group members got to know each other more and more. Somehow I got close to Girl A in a brother-and-sister-in-Christ-way, and I found her really interesting. Mature even though she's just 18 years old, disciplined, has her own thoughts and principles, sleeps early(something that I always fail to do), has a nice family background, etc...basically just a very nice girl. Or I would say, one of the few nearly perfect girls that I have met throughout my life. Then somehow I felt like she liked me, and there're a few people who asked me the same thing. I got scared. Not because of the lack of feelings for her or anything of that sort(I believe feelings can be nurtured), but because I think she's of a different league. Haha..a class higher than me. I don't know how to treat a girl like this. I feel like I don't deserve her treating me like this, and so, I resorted to the same way that I treated the other girls - I treated her a bit cold. I felt really bad actually, but I really didn't know what to do. Time passed. A lot of things happened. People changed. And now, I regretted treating those people the way that I treated them. I felt like my life is so messed up, especially in my relationships with people. Trying to reconcile is hard. Even trying to talk to them like friends is hard now, from the way that they respond. Haha..oh God, can I actually love people like how you ask me to? I don't know :(

It's Chinese New Year Eve. First time not being able to celebrate it at home with my family, I feel sad. I mean, who doesn't? Sigh..wish I knew how to teleport. Haha..

Valentine's day. Ooopss..gonna be dating my exam =.=
Deep inside, I wish one day, I can find a girl that is compatible with me. A girl that can do things together with me. Study, travel, take photos, hunt for nice food, jog together, cook together, talk together... Who will that girl be? Fill in the blank.

 Happy Chinese New Year Eve :)